Worst Mother Award?

Does every new mom feel like she deserves this award at times? Yesterday was one of those days where I definitely felt it. I know that we can't protect our children from everything and there will be times when something happens and they will get hurt. It's inevitable, right? But what if you're the reason that they get hurt or you could have done something to prevent it?

Well, here is my story - I like to multitask and get things done (though not always useful things) so when I nurse, I often do it in front of the computer so I can check my e-mail, pay bills, read other people's blogs, etc. I put a pillow on my lap and Lucy is pretty happy just sucking away as I hold her with one arm and type/use the mouse with the other. So yesterday was just like any other day and I put the pillow on my lap and Lucy on top of it and then I started fiddling with my bra to get situated. All my nursing bras were in the dirty laundry so I was wearing a regular bra and it was not cooperating for me to get access to the goods for my baby. Before I know it, Lucy has slid/rolled off of my lap onto the floor. She immediately starts crying which is really hard for me because Lucy barely does that kind of cry. Her cries for attention, food, or a dirty diaper are so soft and not continuous - more like these little mini-cries which are adorable. But this was continuous, loud, and heartbreaking. I was absolutely horrified as I scooped my baby up and wondered what sort of permanent damage I had done and if I needed to call 911. She had landed on her side and it wasn't a very long fall because the computer chair is low and it was on the plastic mat on the carpet. To make matters worse, Angel (one of the cats) was sitting on the top of the back of the chair and Lucy's crying really freaked her out so she started swatting at Lucy's head! So I start screaming at Angel while I am simultaneously trying to push her away with one hand, holding Lucy in the other, while also crying and Lucy starts wailing even louder.

It all happened so fast and I don't even know how it happened cause Lucy can't roll yet and I was so sure that she was planted firmly in my lap. And I keep replaying it in my mind and I see her tear-streamed face that is somehow asking me, "Mommy, what did just let happen to me?" What a horrible experience. And what is so terrifying is that I know that it probably won't be the last. Cause things like this happen sometime - and then it reminds us to be a little more careful in the future until we turn careless again.

Anyway, Lucy is fine (I think) and she stopped crying within a few minutes. There didn't seem to be any bruises or bumps and her arms and legs seemed to have full range of motion when I moved them (and she didn't show any signs of discomfort as I did this). But I tell you, it scared the hell out of me and it took some comforting from Elaine over the phone to put me at ease (thanks Elaine). I still cry just thinking about it though. I don't know how good an 8 week old baby's memory is but hopefully, she will forget or at least forgive her careless mother. And I just hope that it was more of shock than actual pain that made her cry. I'm wondering if my stress level going through the roof combined with my screaming at the cat while also blubbering, "I'm so sorry, honey!" contributed to her cries as well. I'll never know...but for now, no more nursing at the computer and make sure that nursing bras are clean!